For Real, though, Totems

My grandma always had a totem pole in her front yard. Yeah, she just wacked off the top part of the tree and refused to take down the rest. We think it may have been one of those "in-mourning" life crisis' widows go through, but we just didn't expect her to get so attached to the sucker. I mean, it was growing moss and vines and who knows what else all over that big... hell, lets just call it what it was... it was a tree trunk. So my idea of a totem has been very enormously skewed by my grandma's front yard totem pole in Idaho.

But NOW.... NOW I find out that there are real animal totems out there that are supposed to guide us throughout life. I am told that it's predominantly Native American tradition, but with what I-za been a-seezen here, I am enlightened and in need myself of a little animal guidance just as much as the next Joe Shmoe...or..... Little Foot.

So, I don't know where to begin to find my totem. I like a lot of animals, but no cats following me or birds attacking me. I'm pretty easy like that. Now, Heather, I believe one of her totems may be a grasshopper for whatever reason those things seem to attack her everywhere we go. Maybe it's the inscents they smell from her Black Magic drawer. Dave, he's been marked by a dog... on the butt... That's right, he was bit on the butt by the loveliest Austrialian Shepard dog I ever did see. He wasn't a fan. Scared of that dog for life. I wanted to adopt her! She be my girl!

So where does one get in touch with this spirit guide of a totem... and does it actually look like my grandma's totem pole or are totems and totem poles completely different things? Man, I guess I'm still trying to figure out the reason why we kept that gawdy old thing in the first place. I'm pretty sure, though, that the eyesore on that lawn had nothing to do with animal totems, or spirit guides.

Hey, can I be assigned the totem that kicks ass, gets rich, and reads everybody else's minds before they get a chance to hurt me? We need to get us some of them totem.

You all know I'm full of k-shiz, right?