"What's God?"

I don't remember my moment... I don't know what was going on in the background, who was in the room with me, what smells surrounded me, or even who I had the conversation with... However, I will always remember Phoenix's moment. We were sitting on the couch, TV noise in the background, Gracie playing on the floor in front of us. Phoenix heard something on the TV, I wish I knew what? She turned to me and said, "What's God, mom?" Not WHO'S GOD, but WHAT's GOD? It was one of those moments as a mother that you just want to crawl inside yourself and hope that no one ever finds out that you dropped the ball on teaching your kid the basics. Only, to me, the subject of God isn't exactly basic. It's confusing as hell. I looked into her big, deep, curious eyes and I wondered what I could say that would make sense to this sweet, inquisitive little soul. I started by talking about her Grandma Jolley, who passed away a few months ago. She knew that grandma was dead, just like our beloved Bernice the bulldog, but to her death was just one long, giant nap... I took this slightly uncomfortable moment to teach her about where Grandma and Bernice live now. We seriously had a 5 minute conversation (huge in toddler years) about God, the father. She understood that he was her dad, my dad, grandma's dad, and even her friend Preston's dad! Mission accomplished... I guess. It was actually quite fulfilling to have that conversation with my baby, even with all of my animosity.

So, then came Easter. We were coloring eggs and Grandma Jolley's name came up again since dyeing Easter eggs was her favorite pasttime. Phoenix started talking about God again and I thought to myself, why not take it a step further? Phoenix has never been to church or any type of sunday school, so I knew the answer to my question before I even asked it. Do you know what Easter is about? Shy, shrug of the shoulders... Do you know who Jesus is? Jesus? I took her into the living room where we have an amazing framed picture of Jesus holding a child in his arms in a beautiful garden. We received it years ago as a wedding gift from some dear friends. I held her next to me and I said, this is Jesus... he's your brother. You lived with him and God before you came to me and daddy. You mean when I was in your tummy like Gracie? I couldn't help but smile because her eyes were bright, and her excitement oozing. Yeah, baby, when you were in my tummy. I told her that Jesus lives with God and that Grandma and Bernice live with them, too, and that Jesus is my brother, and daddy's brother, and... GRANDPA's, she finished for me... yes, baby, grandpa's, too.

That Sunday, I found it was me getting the lesson on Jesus. She came home from her very first time at sunday school and told me all about Jesus and the bad guys... Glad she had a little heads up on the Jesus thing!!! lol!

It makes me happy to see my baby growing up and asking the tough questions. I think I surprised myself with how comfortable I was with having the conversation with her, but at the same time it made me a little sad. I will never believe the way that she will be taught to believe. My biggest fear is that she will eventually resent me for that like so many of my friends resented their non-believer parent or parents. I don't even know that it was as much resentment as it was fear... I guess only time will tell and hopefully Dave and I can work together to teach her tolerance and respect for every individual's beliefs. I want her to see that I am open to God and that I have found what works for me and that no matter what anyone says, it's okay for our beliefs to be different... I get a little sick thinking about it, but like I said, only time will tell.

To the Class of 2009...

I was going through my hundreds of old-school cds this morning and I found a song from back in 1999. It's called, "Everybody's Free (to wear sunscreen)". I love it now as much as I loved it then and it inspired me to write my own list of advice. I never believed that my life would take shape the way that it has over the last 10 years. This song, back in the day, produced so much emotion in me because I FELT and sympathized the lessons learned, but today I feel the emotion because I've LIVED the lessons learned. My version is by no means as effective as the original, but I believe that everyone should take an hour to write their own speech, just as I have today. It was a challenge to be original, but here is my own speech to the class of 2009...

To the class of 2009, these are my truths:

You're not who you think you are. Days will pass, years will expire, and before you know it, you will no longer recognize yourself in the mirror. Embrace it... because change happens for a reason. If we were meant to be who we were at 19, then what would be the point of living another 60 years?

Have your heart broken at least once... only then can you truly appreciate how much it means to be loved.

Do not poison yourself with regret... because at one time, the decisions you made were everything you ever wanted.

Throw away the scale...

Surround yourself by positive people... negative nelly's will eventually pull you down and either destroy your heart and will, or cause you to self-depricate.

Write in a journal... your kids will thank you someday. And don't hold back. Your thoughts may be exactly what your daughter needs to hear twenty years from now.

Live your life by the Golden Rule...

Love without stipulation... otherwise, you're bound for disappointment.

Take a break... it will be okay... the world doesn't stop just because you do... if that makes you sad, then it is most probably time for you to sit out a round or two and figure out why?

Forgive yourself... we all have our moments... that's why they are considered "moments" in the grander scale of life. It's NEVER to late to have a change in heart... NEVER!

Being broken doesn't mean you're useless...

Live your life with conviction, yet don't be dismissive of other people's right to their own conviction... what is true for you may not be true for others... only God or one's higher power has the right to give ultimate judgement in the end... you're just not that powerful!

Dress up when you feel like hiding in your closet forever... it just might help you feel better if even for a moment.

Everyday, tell yourself you're wonderful even if you don't believe it... the power of suggestion can be a life-changing medium as long as we WANT to believe.

These are my truths over the last 10-plus years since graduating high school. To be continued 2019...

Not So Fly

Wow! I never knew that a fly could create a reaction so terrifying and intense in someone as the buzzy little nuisances have in my daughter, Phoenix. Imagine the biological effects one might experience when seeing a giant pit-bull running at full speed, jaws open, teeth glaring, eyes centered on your throat... your heart is racing, your head is hot and sweaty, and all you want to do is run straight up a tree and cling on for dear life, right? That is exactly how Phoenix reacts when she so much as senses or hears a fly in the room. A FLY! I kid you not! Her heart beats so hard and so fast that I swear she is going to go into full cardiac arrest! What do I do? There is no convincing her that flies are not scary, that flies wouldn't hurt... a fly! She grabs around your neck and pulls herself so close that I swear she would crawl right up inside of me if it were possible. I'm not exactly the most patient parent, I must admit, so the first couple of times I tried to roll my eyes and tell her that flies are good and flies are our friends... she didn't buy it. Then, I tried the cuddle and baby her approach, which seemed to make her trust me a little more, but no dice on getting over the fear. How do you help a kid overcome the fear of something so common and so gentle as the household fly? I mean, they're everywhere and I don't see an extinction of the Arthropods coming anytime soon.

The solution we've come up with for the time being?

A fly swatter. Pretty ingenious, if you ask me. My mother-in-law came up with it. Unfortunately, I'm not sure that it has done the trick... as we speak, I think I hear little footsteps barrelling up the stairs and short, panicky breaths flying (excuse the pun) in my direction... Suddenly, flies or not so fly in my book!