This week I've learned...

This week, after a few swears and a whole lot of middle fingers, I have learned...

1. I am not the soccer player I used to be... not even the same one I was last week. I seem to be getting progressively worse and even funnier to watch. I didn't realize that this would be my first shot at improv. "Thanks, guys, I'll be performing every Monday night plus a great matninee on your Sunday mornings! I bet you can't guess what animal I run like!" Now that's funny shizz.

2. Poopy diapers suck the big SUCK-a-DUCKA from DookieVille. I swear that Gracie's stanky-butt drops little nuggets in her diaper like it's a treasure box. No joke, every morning from the time she wakes up until after 4 o'clock, I discover a little gold with every wipe. It's true, folks! No KIDDERS! My behind the back diaper throw into the backyard is getting pretty good these days since those little treasures aren't going anywhere near the inside diaper pail. We just gotta nip that stank in the bud. Can we say dry heave? Honestly, she's been known to make me throw up a little in my mouth.

3. Lastly, I've learned this week that I should never, ever type a blog while under the influence of Ambien. Hopefully no one read the unedited version of this post before I got to it. For realsies, guys, I didn't even realize that I had posted a blog last night until I logged in this evening. It was really bad and mostly incoherent. Can we say embarrassing? At least I wasn't writing about rice bags falling from the sky or faces coming at me from the walls. I've been known to do and say strange things while on Ambien.


That's it for this installment of "What I've learned this week"! (the original post had a few more lessons, but after reviewing I cannot even explain where I was going with it).